What If Something Happens to Me First? The Greatest Fear of the DIY Investor

For most couples, each person has their own strengths. After 28 years of marriage, my wife and I have figured out our groove. We divide the responsibilities based on what we’re each naturally good at, just like many couples do.

In our home, my wife handles the day-to-day household finances. She’s the one making sure the bills get paid, resolving any billing issues, and keeping everything running smoothly. I handle long-term strategies like planning our retirement, managing our savings, and investing.

I've seen this setup flipped in other couples: sometimes the husband handles the day-to-day, sometimes the wife. The point is, there’s usually one partner who takes the lead on the retirement plan and the other who trusts it’s being handled.

And that’s where the fear creeps in.

The Fear That Keeps DIY Investors Up at Night

If either of us were to pass away or experience cognitive decline, there would be a financial gap.

If this happened first to my wife, I’d probably miss a few bills and maybe even ding my credit. That would be frustrating, but not devastating. I could recover from that.

But what if it were me?

• Would she know how to continue the plan I’ve built?
• Would she understand why our investments are structured the way they are?
• Would she panic and turn to someone who seems trustworthy, but doesn't really have her best interest at heart?

That last question really bothered me. I know firsthand how low the barrier to entry is in this industry. Anyone can call themselves a "financial advisor." There is no legal standard stopping them. It is just a title, and too many people use it without the training, the knowledge, or the ethics that should come with it.

The idea of some smooth-talking annuity salesperson or a low-information investment rep swooping in at her most vulnerable moment, using just enough jargon to sound credible, and then steering her into something complex and inappropriate just to earn a commission—that was the line in the sand for me. That was the moment I knew I had to do something. I needed to put real protection in place. Not just financial protection, but protection for the decisions she might face alone.

How I Made Sure My Wife Would Be Safe 

I decided I was going to do everything in my power to make sure she wouldn’t be left in the dark. I didn’t want her staring at a pile of statements, accounts, and login credentials with no idea what to do next. I wanted her to have a map, a guide, and a backup plan. Not just a bunch of accounts scattered across different platforms.

We already had a pretty solid setup for the basics. She knew where our life insurance policies were, how to use our password manager, and which bills were set to autopay. But the part that kept me up at night was the retirement and investment plan. That was the piece we hadn’t built a transition plan for. That was my job, and if I wasn’t around, there was no clear handoff.

So I took action. Here’s what we did.

Step 1: We Talked About It in Detail

The first step was not about creating a document. It was about having a real conversation.

We sat down and walked through the key parts of our financial life. I explained where each account is held, why I chose the investments we own, and just as important, why I avoided certain others. I also shared the thinking behind our retirement plan and how to follow it if I were no longer around to help.

This was not a one-time talk. We agreed to make it part of our ongoing planning. Every year, we revisit the plan to review, update, and make sure she still feels confident and clear about what we’ve built together.

Step 2: I Wrote a Plain-English Letter of Instruction

After our conversations, I took the time to write everything down.

This was not a legal document or a spreadsheet. It was a personal letter. I used my own words and made it easy to read and understand. In the letter, I explained where each account is located, how the retirement income plan works, and what steps she should take first.

I also included a section on what not to do. Things like avoiding rushed decisions, not making big changes right away, and being cautious about advice from anyone she doesn’t feel completely comfortable with.

That letter sits at the front of our financial binder. We both know it is there. If something happens to me, she will know exactly where to look first.

Step 3: I Named a Trusted Advisor

We have never officially engaged a financial advisor because I have always managed that part of our lives. But I knew that if I was not here, she might want a second opinion or someone to help her navigate unfamiliar decisions.

So I identified someone I trust. He understands how we think about money, puts people first, and does not work on commission. She knows exactly who this person is and has his contact information.

This was important to me because I know how easy it is to be misled. Anyone can call themselves a financial advisor, and unfortunately, that title is often used by people who are more focused on selling products than providing guidance. I did not want her turning to someone who might take advantage of her trust or her vulnerability. But I also did not want her to feel alone.

Having no one to turn to can be just as dangerous. Critical decisions like when to sell investments, how to claim Social Security, or how to handle required minimum distributions can be delayed, mismanaged, or ignored. Panic decisions like selling everything in a downturn or abandoning the original withdrawal strategy can undo years of careful planning.

Without the right support, even a well-structured retirement plan can start to drift off course. I wanted her to have someone in her corner. Not because she cannot handle it, but because no one should have to handle it all alone.

Step 4: We Simplified Our Finances

This step might seem small, but it made a huge difference. We took a hard look at everything and made it simpler.

We closed down extra accounts we didn’t really need. We moved assets so that fewer logins are required. We made sure everything that could be automated is already running on autopilot.

Now when she logs in, she sees the big picture. Everything is cleaner and easier to understand. There’s no guessing about what’s where or why.

It’s Not About Control. It’s About Clarity.

These steps weren’t something we knocked out in a weekend. It took time, a lot of thought, and a few emotional conversations. But I can honestly say I feel a lot better now. I know that if something happens to me, she won’t feel overwhelmed or uncertain. She’ll have a guide, she’ll know who to trust, and she’ll have a clear plan.

That kind of peace of mind is worth the effort. Because at the end of the day, protecting the people we love isn’t just about leaving them money. It’s about leaving them prepared.

What You Can Do Next

If you’re the one handling the retirement planning in your relationship, there’s a good chance you’ve done a great job building the plan. You’ve chosen your investments carefully. You’ve thought through tax strategies. You’ve mapped out how to turn savings into income.

But have you shared the why behind those decisions with your spouse? Have you prepared them not just to access the accounts, but to carry on the strategy if something happened to you?

That’s the piece many DIY investors overlook—not because they don’t care, but because they’re focused on the numbers. The truth is, a good retirement plan only works if the person left behind can use it with confidence.

You don’t have to overhaul everything in one day. Just start with a conversation. Keep it simple, clear, and honest. Think of it less like a financial meeting, and more like leaving a trusted guide behind. One your spouse can rely on when they need it most.

To help you get started, here are some simple but powerful conversation starters. You don’t have to cover them all at once, just begin with one. The goal isn’t to turn your spouse into a financial expert. It’s to give them the clarity and confidence they’d need if the day ever came when they had to take the lead.